i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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