someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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