just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Let's paint friendship bongs
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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