I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
