We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
