im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
