somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
