Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
