I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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