between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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