Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
