Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
