well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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