so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
