I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
