just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
