It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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