I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
