Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sorry about my life...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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