I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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