do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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