Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I believe in your delicious
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
