Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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