My friends, they love my intelligence
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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