He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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