before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
