I think my fart just growled at me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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