My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
