i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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