i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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