Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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