i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
