I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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