Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
