So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
