I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
