dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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