Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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