Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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