We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌ðŸ»ï¸
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
