I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
