worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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