I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
