My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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