is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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