just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
