My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
