I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
