The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
