I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
