So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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