Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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