Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
