We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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