we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
