i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
